how do i love this? no seriously. someone tell me.

it makes me angrier than i can express when otherwise brilliant people name an anti-anti-abortion position "pro-abortion".

NO ONE IS PRO-ABORTION, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is sick. and really offensive when people suggest it. like we're picketing maternity wards and trying to convince people to have abortions.

no. we want abortion to remain legal (better, to have it decriminalized) to PROTECT WOMEN'S HEALTH. because that's a good thing.

and when you call it "pro-abortion" and talk about its immorality, don't then say to me, "Oh! but I don't mean you. I don't mean to judge you for having had one."

fuck you. you just did.

sometimes the world is good to you

and i did it. had the biopsy. the valium helped immensely. as did the alcohol afterward. i didn't even cry. it was uncomfortable. and it did indeed feel rather like a menstrual cramp afterward. could i do it again? only with a friend and only with drugs. but i think i could do it. oh, and that stress ball was helpful too.

it was encouraging to meet a friend for an early breakfast before hand. to eat a swedish pancake. to have chance encounters with two friends on my way to breakfast and to feel even more a part of a community. it was soothing to enjoy such pleasant weather today. to walk around in sunshine and cool breezes while the morning is not yet old. it was bittersweetly comforting to lose control of my body in order to gain control of it - by taking a sedative drug, i was able to relax just enough to make my body endure the (short) procedure. and it was perfect to have a hug.

feeling a bit exhausted. will read and go to bed early. will hopefully wake up early and begin being productive again tomorrow.

of museums and cervical biopsies

so i went in for a colposcopy today. i'd never had one. i'd never even heard of the procedure before. it is not the case that all colposcopies culminate in biopsies, but mine was to have. apparently it is nearly certain that i have a type 2 dysplasia and so ought to have a biopsy to determine what sort of treatment is warranted.

a smart woman would have had the biopsy performed immediately, while the doctor was there, all up in her business, with the tools prepared and just gotten it over with. and then she would have gotten drunk immediately following.

i am not a smart woman.

instead, as soon as i saw the biopsy instrument, i began to cry and couldn't stop. i felt like such an idiot. the test has to be rescheduled. i have a prescription for valium which i can take before my next appointment. the doctor tried to explain that this is really a necessary procedure. i tried to explain that i understood its necessity but was afraid i might kick her head if she actually put that thing inside me. that there was no way i could see myself enduring the procedure, as fast as it might be.

so now i will be paying for two exams. will have days (months?) to anticipate the small bit of physical pain it will cause; days (months?) to reflect on what a baby i was.

so a friend and i went to the museum. we had a cocktail, calmed me down, went to the Field Museum and then had a half bottle of wine. it was lovely. calming. a pretty day stolen from summer and we explored the ancient Egypt and Americas. and i tried not to think less of myself