shrill

i have been gaining a much clearer sense of direction these past weeks: rather than fight my tendencies, i will work with them to produce behaviors and results i can admire. sounds simple, yes? well, i never said i was *smart* ...

as a result, i find myself directed to change the way i relate to people in certain relationships. some of this is difficult, some less so. in particular, i found myself being quite blunt with a friend about some behaviors i found unnecessary and difficult to generously interpret. as a result, i was informed that i "may not be as calm as [i] claim to be."

ouch! that stung! particularly since i was not particularly shrill, neither had i (or have i generally) claimed to be calm. and i wanted so very very badly to retort: "no, it is you who claim to be so very calm. and your behavior earlier and these past weeks has shown you to be anything but." i did not say this.

i want so very much to be recognized as *right*. relinquishing this is difficult. instead, i only told this friend that the behaviors i mentioned were not ones i was able to patiently tolerate at present. i am trying to remind myself that what i spoke was true and that i cannot control how others choose to interpret me. i can only control me and what i think of others.

letting go of this desire for control - a control i never really had, nor ever could have - is really really difficult