Friday, December 3, 2010

note to self

I have this fantasy of being All Set. Fully Prepared. Ready for any and all Contingencies. Although I am only a poor graduate student, I have been using loan money to purchase things like:
* a warm winter coat
* hats that fit my head
* warm woolen tights and well-insulated boots
* a bed and a comforter
* reading glasses (see right)
* wool skirts that suit my shape and fit my body
* a laptop and a netflix subscription (cheap gym!)

The idea being that, if I get these things now, I won't have to worry about them when I no longer have loan money to supplement my income. In a few years, when I've moved on to Exile U, I'll already have a warm winter coat, hats, tights, skirts and glasses to keep me All Set. I'll have a bed and a table and a desk and bookshelves. I won't need to get these things later, I'll already have them.

I am finding that I am nearly All Set. Sure, there are some things I'd like (a few silk slips; classy, versatile earrings that don't turn my ears green; a velvet sash or satin cummerbund. Basics like that). But I have enough shoes, enough skirts (more or less), enough sweaters. I am supplied with tights, with scanties, and with undershirts. I have more glasses now than I need (the old ones are still perfectly good for around the house). My kitchenware is more than adequate. It'd be nice to have a chair that supports my back and allows my feet to rest on the floor, but I think that's pushing it with the universe.

But if I am All Set, that must mean that I am Ready to Go. Which means there is nothing left but to finish my dissertation, find a job and become a Person. This frightens and disappoints me. I don't feel All Set. My feet are warm, I look put together and sufficiently polished, and my things have cozy little homes, but none of that makes me feel any more ready to be the person I have been, ostensibly, preparing to be.

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