Wednesday, March 25, 2009

With a smile....

Dear [insert name here]

Every time you make dirty insinuations about how dirty I am; every time you let me know that you might fantasize about me; every time you indicate that you might masturbate while thinking about me; whenever you let me know that I only have to call you ...; whenever you ask me if I like that, do I like that?; whenever you lewdly approve of my supposed desire for violence -

I am disgusted.

I am disgusted because I can't tell you to go f**k yourself in as serious a manner as I mean; I am disgusted because I feel pressured to play along; I am disgusted because, in order to keep peace, I feel compelled to pretend that what you say is witty, clever, subversive, edgy, hot.

No, I don't want to sleep with you. No, I don't think this "banter" is hot. No, I will never call you. No, I don't like being an object for your fantasy. No, I don't want to think of you being rough with me. No, I do not dream of you, in any way. No. No, No, No, No, NO.

But I also don't want to deal with coldness, silent aggression, sabotage.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Refridgerator Poetry

- disclaimer: the magnet collection was a 'dirty' one, so sensitive ears/minds be warned!

sex is not enough
to produce tender love
loud hot night-s
special not celestial

yet I'd give any-y-thing to
lay beneath you
full with your smooth firm flesh
deep-ly plant-ed in
my little body
tunnel me
introduce me to the flavor of your sauce
taste me
I'm moist and fresh and delicious
feel my warm wet slot
take ample time and explore
insert that sturdy tool
position it in here
and come

but then
I could make believe
think these smile-s kisses
are you

I did bloom under his
salty stiff attention

plow my bare garden
sow seed in soft earth
dig with hand-s
harvest bountiful food
wild vegetable fruit
I grow

We two can intoxicate
are a tremendous instrument
build-ing power-ful music
at a touch
but were we happy together

most would investigate the nature
of care
and train to channel love
from the sun or moon -
to what end?

closed off so private
never will he navigate entry
though he may screw her pussy
she always clam-s up
as if just being near him
push-es some button
and she pocket-s her heart

adjust the light in our room
ask how did I drive you
we nibble-d business
like a giant pie
whole-ness now
on-ly a hole

show me
can it revitalize
like a flower protrude
poke a stem through busy
don't-s and must-s
tickle the wild today above?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Oh and Books

Inspired by Sarah G, here I go:

The fiction I have read during the 2008-2009 Academic Year:

Angela Carter, Wise Children
Anne Lamott, Crooked Little Heart
Joyce Carol Oates, Rape: A Love Story
Margaret Atwood, Oryx and Crake
Margaret Atwood, Moral Disorder
Atterberg, The Kept Man
Tolstoy, "After the Dance"
Gail Tsukiyama, The Samurai's Garden
Sophocles, Antigone
D.H. Lawrence, Women in Love
Italo Calvino, If on a winter's night a traveler
Jean Toomer, Cane
E Ferber, American Beauty
Woolf, To the Lighthouse
Sartre, Nausea
E.S. Connell, Mr Bridge
E.S. Connell, Mrs Bridge
Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita
the first 4 "Anne" books

It all seemed like so much more ...

Taking suggestions!

Dear Prada,

Imagine my surprise when, opening the sticky sample sleeve in my most recent issue of Glamour, I discovered, like a memory, that fragrance I have wanted - have always wanted? - to be associated with the way my life smells. Why yes - yes! - I too am not too strong, but lingering; woodsy, no, floral, no, powder? no, musky, no, yes, all of these? yes. all, together and somehow not jarring, but gentle. like skin but better.
I have found you/me, sweet "Infusion d'Iris" and I must have you, spray you everywhere, smell you everywhere.

[just like a girl to think thus. sure. ok. i get that. but memories are scented and i would like to be remembered. or not forgotten]

Prada, if you are reading this, send your love back to me. I'll take the 25 ounce bottle. Send it to the department - it won't fit in my mailbox.

all my love,


Friday, March 13, 2009

petty. petty, petty, petty.

want to say:

but if you had0000000 - or 000 or 000 or 0000 - then there wouldn't be 000 , now. there wouldn't be this, there wouldn't be these moments and, perhaps to you they are already indicative of something second best, of something gone wrong, of something failed (someone had blundered) but 000 , for 000, they are beautiful and precious and i, i have not lost a 0000best, a perhaps mistaken00000 , and so, no, i am not 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000 , i will confess that the thought of you spending time with )))))))) wishing, wishing0000000000 made that choice, or that one or that one, so that you wouldn't have had to spend the time with me at all, would be with that ))))))))))))))))))))))) could have made0000000, 0000000 have made, is not a pleasant one for me, and it stings a bit, and i feel prickly; then i wonder, perhaps 000 0000000 was right, and i am prickly and this is why i "have no friends": i won't let others grow close to me, and so how 0000000 anyone's first best anyway? i will be00000000000 . i will grow more ...............and ))))))))))) and you can enjoy this, your 000000000or (00000000000000 ) until you meet a new0000000 and then i will )))))))))) and you will be so happy with that 00000000000 you won't regret any of the twisting and climbing (sometimes lonely) that brought)))))))))))))))))

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dear 2009,

How unkind I've been to you, 2009! Two months have passed without even a peep from the most beloved philosophotrix of this corner of the graduate lounge! Unconscionable.

In preparation of further "real" blogging, I reproduce here a list, written during the first week of January:

To Do (as in, ever):

1. learn to use a sewing machine
2. make a skirt
3. finish reading shakespeare
4. read chekhov's plays
5. learn to understand poetry
6. learn to read music
7. read more woolf
8. be able to bike 20 miles more than once this summer
9. train myself to wake up at the same time every morning
10. make that time somewhere between 6a and 7a
11. oh. dissertation proposal
12. read kant
13. read people who explain kant
14. aristotle
15. plato
16. do one free thing in chicago every month
17. organize something social for my pals
18. write letters to far-off friends
19. homer
20. develop a well-stocked pantry and freezer
21. stop biting and picking at my nails
22. present at conferences this year
23. remain open to making new friends
24. go to the art institute
25. learn to knit or crochet
26. travel to another country
27. french
28. german
29. get a new cookbook and make everything in it
30. become a reproductive/sexual health care worker
31. become well-informed
32. practice gratitude
33. call and write gram
34. get a camera and use it
35. lean the "messiah" for next year
36. patch my denim quilt
37. become an herbalist
38. grow herbs (such that cat won't eat them)
39. get know my brother
40. stop making excuses
41. get published
42. be in a committed, healthy relationship
43. get a watch
44. write a book on women's relationship to the Pill
45. be comfortable around children
46. learn to wax my own bikini line
47. have a versatile, could-be-formal outfit with shoes to match
48. explore other chicago neighborhoods
49. journal more frequently
50. host a party
51. save money
52. love my mother
53. get my wisdom teeth removed
54. practice patience
55. be able to do 10 full push-ups in a row
56. be able to do pull-ups too!
57. write something creative
58. learn to dance
59. accept some of the invitations i would normally refuse (whirlyball?)
60. keep more secrets
61. drink less coffee
62. drink less alcohol
63. pay more attention
64. learn to whistle
65. resist impulse buys
66. be taken seriously
67. use my time efficiently
68. say less
69. mean more
70. become more proficient at the art of conversation
71. stop eating chemicals and processed junk
72. take my own advice
73. be consistently firm and loving with myself
74. learn to change a tire (car, bicycle)
75. go a month without spending a single frivolous penny