Friday, July 18, 2008

of museums and cervical biopsies

so i went in for a colposcopy today. i'd never had one. i'd never even heard of the procedure before. it is not the case that all colposcopies culminate in biopsies, but mine was to have. apparently it is nearly certain that i have a type 2 dysplasia and so ought to have a biopsy to determine what sort of treatment is warranted.

a smart woman would have had the biopsy performed immediately, while the doctor was there, all up in her business, with the tools prepared and just gotten it over with. and then she would have gotten drunk immediately following.

i am not a smart woman.

instead, as soon as i saw the biopsy instrument, i began to cry and couldn't stop. i felt like such an idiot. the test has to be rescheduled. i have a prescription for valium which i can take before my next appointment. the doctor tried to explain that this is really a necessary procedure. i tried to explain that i understood its necessity but was afraid i might kick her head if she actually put that thing inside me. that there was no way i could see myself enduring the procedure, as fast as it might be.

so now i will be paying for two exams. will have days (months?) to anticipate the small bit of physical pain it will cause; days (months?) to reflect on what a baby i was.

so a friend and i went to the museum. we had a cocktail, calmed me down, went to the Field Museum and then had a half bottle of wine. it was lovely. calming. a pretty day stolen from summer and we explored the ancient Egypt and Americas. and i tried not to think less of myself

4 comments:

Sarah G said...

Hey friend. Me and all my vagina love and knowledge are thinking of you and your cervix. Call me if you need someone to "talk you down." Love Love.

chora said...

You're so not a baby--I think it's a pretty appropriate response to having sharp cancer-detecting objects in the vicinity of your cervix. I had to do this a couple weeks before coming to Chicago and basically responded to everything from the first abnormal pap call to the colposcopy with lots of involuntary crying. Good times. So, let me know if you want to chat, hope you're feeling better--

Jenna said...

dear friend! what a brave blogger you are to share! will be thinking of you and praying for you!
ps...interesting tag for your entry- "sharp instruments"

philosophotarian said...

thank you, friends. i appreciate your comments and support!

sarah g - if i need an army, i just might try calling you tomorrow morning. hearts, friend

m - i might be cranky in french tomorrow - if i get a hard question, just take over, oui? :-)

jenna - not so brave as trying to make up for my cowardice - i figure if everyone knows about this appointment (tomorrow morning at 9) then i'll be shamed into keeping it this time, as in, i won't cancel a *second* time...